To start with, this is an entry for that Holiday-Themed Battle Contest BTTF made. Another thing, this battle is very long (giggity) so those who do not enjoy reading can go now.
P.S. If you're a judge, you are forced to read. ;)
Enjoy!
Here's the first beat (Washington starts at 0:21)
Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!!!!
PRESIDENTS!
VS...
PRESIDENTS!
BEGIN!
George Washington:
I am the first! Number one, make the rest look worse.
Taking down British armies with just this verse!
John Adams:
Yo, no more Mr. Nice Guy, better let the vice by.
When I take the mic, I chop you to pieces: bite-sized!
Thomas Jefferson:
I'll write declarations for obliteration.
You two accomplished nothing; I expanded our nation!
James Madison:
I may be the smallest, but I've done big things, laddies!
I own the Constitution, I'm Big Daddy Maddy!
James Monroe:
Whoa, time for Monroe, bros. These fathers blow; they're not appealing.
The last same name James turned out lame, while I spread good feeling!
John Quincy Adams:
That's some big talk from people who are afraid to give speeches.
Quincy's gonna win, see, so move over. I'm in office, bitches!
Andrew Jackson:
I'm riding on this train, non-stop. Take a drop.
Killed a man with a bullet in my chest, like a boss!
Martin Van Buren:
Shut up, you evil grandma-looking bum! It's your fucking fault
That our damn economy was screwed; you let Congress get mauled!
William H. Harrison:
Cease your fire. I'd spit a long verse in this weather,
But my skills are as sick as pneumonia. Guess I should bring a sweater.
John Tyler:
Man, your term was short like Madison here. I've got the most rhythm.
I'll take all your First Ladies and make more children with 'em!
James K. Polk:
Looks like I need ten muzzles for these dictators that tussle.
Combine the forces, I still got more muscle. Hell, I finished the American puzzle!
Zachary Taylor:
Ha, I'm rough and ready for any shit you brought in store.
Shoot lyrics like no one's seen before 'cause I'm a general of war!
Millard Fillmore:
Try this big boy on for size! Y'all need a compromise.
It may come back and bite your ass, but I leave ya in a verbal demise!
Franklin Pierce:
Take back your acts, you whack hack. It's a fact that I'm fierce.
I'm sharp enough to cut through all of you. No wonder I'm called Pierce.
James Buchanan:
This time, I'll do something against some arguing brats.
Never married, but I'm still manlier than these crazy twats.
Abraham Lincoln:
I'm the top-hatted pretty penny leader you wish to be.
Pledge allegiance to me, I got slaves freed and brought unity!
Andrew Johnson:
Until I came along! More racist than the last Andrew J.!
Don't bother with the depression, I'm all for secession! Prepare to be reconstructed!
Ulysses S. Grant:
I'll bring everyone to justice, bring the Union back higher,
Bringing more burns on you than battlefield fire!
Rutherford B. Hayes:
I'm Rutherford B. Motherfucking Hayes, tremble with fear!
Didn't win popular vote, but I have the most fine famous beard!
James A. Garfield:
All of you spoil the system, Garfield's on the mic with cat claws!
I get assassinated by an ass and you're already breaking laws!
Chester A. Arthur:
You suck, guys! I'm the best, put the rest of youse to the test!
I'm so sharply dressed, women take a fancy to my eighty pairs of pants and vest!
Grover Cleveland:
These political rats wanna try a Democrat, but they won't demolish my career!
Well, I couldn't get much done, so I'll try again in 1893. See ya!
Benjamin Harrison:
And now, I must avenge the death of my grandfather's brief moment in office,
I am honest, modest, I must change the whole nation's process!
I...will-!
(Stop the first beat here, around 2:30)
Grover Cleveland:
Hey, I'm back for round two.
...
Did I accidentally kill the beat, too?
Oh well, just another problem I'll fix.
Second beat (skip to 0:23)
William McKinley:
MC Kinley's about to overthrow this whole group!
I fought the Spanish, so I'll take out these chickens with a coup!
Theodore Roosevelt:
I'm a hard-working man, but I only give a dam about my plans!
If you wanna fight me, I'll choke ya till you're red, white, and blue, man!
William H. Taft:
Can't throw rhymes heavier than me, I'm a Commander in Chief Justice idol!
I may be this phat, but I even have my own sports title!
Woodrow Wilson:
You fit in with the average 'Murican, but now I'm living large.
A whole war with the world, we'll need to put some brains in charge!
Warren G. Harding:
All these soft speakers don't stand a chance with Hard-ing.
Each one of you needs to find resolution, or else the whole government's restarting!
Calvin Coolidge:
Why don't y'all cool it 'fore Coolidge cuts each of you lower than taxes.
Take back your words or Silent Cal will whoop your asses in front of media masses!
Herbert Hoover:
Dammit, how's everyone bashing with the markets all crashing?
I'm dope against you jokes, your reps and the banks are going broke!
Franklin D. Roosevelt:
They see me rollin' four terms. My New Deal stopped the old corruption!
When I take the podium, there's nothing to fear but me; my rhymes are pure destruction!
Harry S. Truman:
A true man must man up and end this huge feud!
Surrender now or I'll drop the lyrical bombs on you!
Dwight D. Eisenhower:
Served military time for my home, out of all of us, I'm the best fighter!
I'm a star with 5-stars, try getting as sky high as this flyer!
John F. Kennedy:
Most of you did nothing for your country, no surprises.
While the pigs were goofing off in their bay, I stopped a missile crisis!
Lyndon B. Johnson:
Well, you took a blow to the mind, and I stepped in to fix,
But hey, at least I'm not as big a dick as Richard Nix is!
Richard Nixon:
Bitch, I'm not a crook, but I'll steal your spotlight from you!
Saw Neil moonwalk before MJ did and got relations with countries too!
Gerald Ford:
Don't bother me with another pardon, you got no one on your side this time.
Crashing political parties with scandals, your bad reputation made you resign!
Jimmy Carter:
Is there no peace here? I'll kick the nuts of whoever's bringin' hate.
I'd try to help, but fear me now; I come from the im-Peach state!
Ronald Reagan:
Oldest and wisest, I put the country back on track, y'all!
Won by a landslide, couldn't be shot down, so I'll tear through this like the Berlin Wall!
George H. W. Bush:
Prepare to be beat and disbanded like them Soviets, I'm number forty-one!
I'll be the one who won, and if you don't like it, take your problems to my son!
Bill Clinton:
S'up, Clinton's gonna be pimpin' on the presidential arena.
Y'all can't do anything right, like my successor during Katrina!
George W. Bush:
Man, suck my Bush! You want war? I'll make a second Alamo!
I fight dirtier than those terrorists, my W stands for "win", yo!
Barack Obama:
Big O in the White House, forty-fourth for four more years.
I will, uh, assume power in our darkest hours. I hope I made myself clear.
Announcer:
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP BATTLESOFHISTORY!
And now it's time for an incredibly long-ass poll.