(The viewer is treated to the sight of an RV in the middle of the desert, a man comes out of it, a tired, dreary expression fixated on his unnaturally pale face.)
Walter:*Coughs deeply into the creese of his elbow*
(His cellphone rings. With a sigh, he removes it, checking who is bothering him.)
Walter: Finally.
(Answer the cellphone, casually glancing at his surroundings, to further ensure that he is alone.)
Walter: Jesse... where are you? Why are you so late?
Jesse: Yo, uhm, I'm... uh... y'know, busy with... my mom, Mr. White.
Walter: What the hell is wrong with her?!
Jesse: She's sick, fever, I dunno, but I'm reeeeeeal fuckin' busy. Can't cook.
Walter: Jesse! I have been out here for the entire weekend cooking, If you think you are getting your share for this bad excuse to be with hookers and play video games then you are dead wrong, GET OUT HERE..NOW!
(Walter begins trailing back into the RV, the camera following close behind.)
Jesse: Bite me, bitch, I care for my mother
Walter: Oh yes, sure. Jesse, right now isn't the time for your games--
Jesse: Fuck off, bitch! beep beep beep beep
(Deeply exhaling, his calm disposition is shattered by Walter throwing the phone against a nearby mirror, which he, in a fit of rage, smashes his fist against. He spends a moment staring at the now-cracked mirror, ignoring the pain in his knuckles.)
Walter: ... What the hell am I doing?
(Takes another cellphone out of his pocket, and makes a call, tone shifting to a softer inflection.)
Walter: Skyler? Oh, uhm I'm really sorry. I won't be able to make it home tonight...
Skyler: Why?
(As Walter paces in the RV, Skyler can only be heard through a slightly muffled phone speakers.)
Walter: Uhm, you see, I got some things to do here, in the... in the carwash. And, they left me alone with the workload--
Skyler: Oh, Walt... I can help, don't worry, I'm coming.
Walter: NO! Coughs roughly, in a hoarse sound more akin to a dying seal. I mean, it's okay... I like working, don't worry, it's okay.
Skyler: Walt, sweetheart are you al--
Walter: Okay okay, bye, love you!
(Ends the call, hurriedly sliding the phone back into his pocket.)
Walter: Pinkman is gonna leave me here all night, this is just...just great!
(Walter simply looks into the mirror, releases an audible sigh, and puts the mask and chemical suit on.)
LeandroDaVinci (Showrunner, art lead, and head writer.)
Brandon Service (Guest editor and proofreader)
GravityMan (Secondary editor and proofreader)
TheAssyrianAssassin1337 (Editor and proofreader)
(A beat up pickup truck zooms down the deserted desert dirt road, with a familiar telephone booth in the back, and man inside)
Ted: Can we go to the bathroom again, dude?
Bill: Maybe get some munchies, man!
Ted: Yeah, let's pull over!
Terminator: You have been in the bathroom three times today.
Ted: ...So...?
(The Terminator stares forward, expressionless.)
Terminator: ... We will pull over in the next gas station. I will obtain some gas.
Beethoven: I'm so tired of this bullshit...
Socrates: Ludwig, weren't you deaf?
Beethoven: I was, Ted brought this ear piece.
Socrates: That's excellent!
Beethoven: Now, if only Ted taught me how to turn it off...
Socrates: Ah, don't worry, Ludwig! We'll get ourselves some food!
Beethoven: Chips and Coke... I'm not sure that even constitutes food.
Socrates: ...True, true... but! We can go to the bathroom! Not into a bush, this time! Toilet paper, my dear friend!
Beethoven: In my experience, the washrooms of these establishments more resemble a pigpen than any place to look forward to.
Socrates: I'm just trying to be positive, by the will of the gods, I'm just trying to lighten the situation!
Beethoven: Do or do not... please don't try.
(The truck comes to a sudden stop in a small, dusty gas station. With a sour expression, Beethoven exits. Watching out the window, Socrates taps Ted's shoulder.)
Socrates: He isn't happy with this, Theodore, go talk to him.
Ted: I will, So-crates! But first... the bathroom!
(Bill and Ted exit with gusto, followed by the Terminator.)
Terminator: I will retrieve gas.
Bill: At least you can do that.
(The camera turns to Terminator's point of view, glancing down at the sullen teen. A range of options presented in blocky red text appears.
> Affirmative.
> Fuck off, douchebag.
> Yes, I will.
> What did you say, little punk?
Examining the proper context of Bill's tone, he chooses the fourth option, presented by it repeatedly blinking. The camera shifts out of Terminator's POV.)
Terminator: What did you say, little punk?
(In the background, Ted's eyes widened. Stepping into the foreground, he intersects between Bill and the Terminator)
Ted: Not a thing, Ro-bro!
(The Terminator pauses for a moment, before walking off.)
Ted: *whispers* Don't say things like that, dude, we can get into trouble. That thing could kill us sixty ways to Sunday!
Bill: *whispers* I'm still pissed off to that thing, Ted, don't remember what it did to Rufus?!
(Ted appears contemplative for a moment, his eyes widening further. He cups his face in his hands.)
Bill: Dude... you okay?
(Ted's expression bounces back to his usual jovial presentation. His tone still presents a more dull disposition.)
Ted: Yeah, dude, don't worry! I'm fine.
(The camera moves to trail Beethoven, on his way to the gas station. His path is blocked by the Terminator, who takes a large step on to the camera's view.)
Terminator: Ludwig. You will be on watch.
(Terminator gives the shotgun to Beethoven, by pushing it against his chest.)
Beethoven: I will, don't worry...
(Beethoven's face turns to the side, leaving the truck in camera's view.)
Beethoven: SOCRATES! GET OUT OF THAT TRUCK, GODDAMMIT!
(We are treated to the sight of the windows slowly rolling down.)
Socrates: No! It is spooky out there!
(Beethoven goes to the truck as Bill and Ted go in the telephone booth and travel.)
Beethoven: Help me doing guard.
(Beethoven takes a gun out of his pocket and gives it to Socrates)
Socrates: What if they bite me, Ludwig?!
Beethoven: We kill you, but, that will not happen. Trust me
(Beethoven helps the old man to leave the truck)
(Black screen)
(Bill and Ted arrive at California two weeks before the apocalypse)
Bill: It's so good to be away from that titanium tincan, dude.
Ted: It really is, bro! Now let's get the shoppin' list--
(Ted performs the motion of slinging a backpack down. Nothing is there.)
Bill: You didn't bring the backpack?!
Ted: I forget, man!
(Bill takes out his wallet)
Bill: Don't worry, we'll just buy a new one!
(Air guitar ensues.)
(Bill and Ted walk down the street, entering a convenience store, of which the quite clearly copyrighted logo is obscured.)
Ted: I'm gonna head to the bathroom, you can go get some food, okay, dude?
Bill: Got it, man!
(Ted goes in the bathroom as Bill goes to the groceries section grabbing a shopping cart along the way. He fills it with chips, sodas, and an apple)
Bill: I guess we'll have with this...
(Bill goes to the chick in the cash register)
Bill: Hello, beautiful, I will like to buy this.
Girl: Sure...$60 bucks.
Bill: Sure...wait...do I know you?
Girl: Uh.....maybe?
Bill: Are you gonna hang out on the beach with Marlon Brando?
Girl: Uhm, how do you know?!
Bill: I saw you dy-
(Ted pushes Bill out of the way)
Ted: Uhm, dude, the cash, please.
Bill: Yeah, sure, dude.
(Ted gives the girl the cash and takes the bags with the things in it and they go out of the store)
Ted: What the fuck, dude?! Do you realize what you almost done?!
Bill: What did I do now, dude?
Ted: You almost said to the girl that she was dead, dude!
(Bill thinks)
Bill: Oh fuck, dude.
Ted: Now, we must go before you screw things more.
Bill: Damn my chubby.
(They go to an alley where the telephone booth is, they go in and put the number)
Ted: Let's go back to reality...
(The telephone booth disappears in the ground)
(Black screen)
(The telephone booth appears in front of the truck, Bill and Ted go out and the first thing that they see is Terminator teaching Socrates how to shoot, using a few stray walkers for practice)
Terminator: Now, Beethoven. Go practice with him.
Beethoven: The dudes are back.
Ted: Right on! *strums his air guitar*
Bill: Everyone, we got food!
(Bill takes out the chips)
Beethoven: Fucking hell...
Terminator: Excellent. Dudes.
(air guitar)
Ted: You know, you don't have to do that everytime, T-800 dude.
(Terminator loads the telephone booth in the back)
Terminator: Everyone in, we must be in Albuquerque at night.
Socrates: Finally safety!
(They go inside the truck and leave the gas station)
(Black screen)
(We see Walter White cooking meth as he hears a car getting closer, he looks through the window and he sees a truck with a phone booth in the back)
Walter: Fucking cops.
(Walter goes out of the RV, closes it and takes out the chemical suit and waits for the car to come by)
(The cars stops and a man comes out)
Terminator: We need your car.
Walter: Oh, no, no, no, this must be misunderstanding, officer.
(Four men step out of the car)
Walter: Are you the Salamanca family?! Oh, Jesse! Jesse Pinkman killed your cousin!
Ted: Salamander? No, dude.
Bill: Chill, old dude, we just want the RV.
Walter: If you're not Salamanca or the officers, why do you want the RV?
Terminator: To make the way to Washington more comfortable.
Walter: Washington?
Beethoven: We're going to be safe from this crap.
Walter: Crap? What are you guys talking about? You must be crazy...
(The Terminator goes to the RV, and yanks the door)
Walter: HEY! HEY! HEY!
(The Terminator looks back)
Walter: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Terminator: Do not stop me.
(Walter looks at Ted)
Walter: What the hell is his problem?!
Ted: He is our mad...er...uncle, he is weird sometimes...
Walter: I mean...WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU STEALING MY RV?!
(Terminator comes outside)
Terminator: There is a bad smell in there.
Walter: CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS HAPPENING?!
Socrates: The apocalypse!
Walter: The apocalypse...?
Ted: You haven't heard? How many days were you in that RV?
Walter: All the weekend but I was doing business with other people in the desert the whole month.
Bill: Dude, the world ended, there's a big virus, dude! Like, dead dudes...coming back man!
Socrates: That is called resurrection!
Bill: I know, So-crates!
(Walter laughs ironically)
Walter: You mean zombies? *laughs again* You are insane, people!
(Walter phone rings)
Walter: Hold on a second. Hello?
Skyler:*thourgh phone* WALT?! HELP US!!
Walter: SKYLER?!
Skyler:*through phone* WALT---FLYNN, FLYNN! NOO!!
(Screams are heard)
Walter: SKYLER??!! SKYLER?!!
(Ted puts his hand on Walt's shoulder)
Ted: What's your name, dude...?
Walter: Walt. Walter White.
Ted: Mr. White dude, your family...
Walter: NO! NO! NO! NO! *smashes phone*
Ted: Mr. White...
(Walt goes inside the RV)
Walter: *screaming his head off*
Bill: Terminator dude, please.
Terminator: Of course.
(Terminator puts the booth in the back of the RV moored)
(All go in the RV as quick as they can, Terminator comes in)
Walter: GET OUT OF MY RV
Terminator: No. You need me to drive.
Walter: WHY NOT?!
Terminator: Your mental state is unstable
Walter: WHAT?! GET OUT. NOW!
Terminator: No, I am here to protect Theodore, William, Socrates and Ludwig.
(Terminator grabs Walter and tosses him aside, sitting in the driver seat, Walter White scrambling to the back, rummaging through clutter searching for his gun)
Ted: Mr. White, let him, dude.
(The RV goes as fast as it can)
(Bill finds the gun wedged between the couch cushions, tossing it out the window)
Bill: There! No gun Mr. White dude!
Walter: WHAT?!?!
Socrates: *mutters* we could have used it to defend ourselves...
(Walter lunges at Bill but he falters, spotting something out the window)
Terminator: We are now entering Albuquerque.
Walter: Oh god...
A voice: WALTER! WAIT! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE!!
(Walter sees Hank rushing at him)
Walter: HANK! HANK!!
(Out of nowhere, a zombified Marie lunges at Hank, ripping his ear off with bloody teeth, clawing at his throat)
Walter: HAAANKK!!!
Bill: Chill, dude, you will attrack a hord-
Walter: SHUT UP, YOU STUPID TEENAGER! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SISTER IN LAW?!
Ted: Mr. White dude, we told you, the resurrection of the dead, dude.
Walter: YOU ARE CRAZY, LET ME SAVE HANK!!
Terminator: Where do you live?
Walter: THERE! THERE!
(We see Walt's house, door open and blood dripping down the door, a horde of walkers on the front lawn)
Walter: Oh no...
(Walt jumps off the couch, kicking open the RV door, lunging for the front door)
Ted: MR. WHITE!
(Terminator hits the brakes, grabbing his shotgun and walking over to the open door)
Terminator: I will kill them all.
(Terminator aims, firing at the closest walker, its chest ripping open, guts splattering the side of the RV)
(Beethoven pulls out a handgun and begins firing out the window, clipping a zombified Badger)
Beethoven: SOCRATES! HELP US!
Socrates: (is fumbling through his toga for his pistol, fingers shaking in fear) N-not a good moment...
(Bill stands behind the Terminator who has ran out of ammo, currently bludgeoning walkers if they get close)
(Inside house, everything is dark)
Walter: Skyler?! Junior?!
(Walt sees Molly's crib, blood dripping through the once white bars)
Walter: Oh my dear baby...
(Ted arrives at the door)
Ted: Mr...White?
(Walt starts to cry)
Walter: God...God...
(Ted goes to Walter)
Ted: I'm sorry, Mr. White dude.
Walter: GET OFF ME!
(Skyler appears out of nowhere and Walt looks to her)
Walter: Skyler, honey, I'm glad that you're okay, Holly...my god, we can get through this! I know it!
Ted: Mr. White...
(Terminator arrives)
Skyler: ARGHHHHH!
Walter: Skyler?
Terminator: Get down.
Ted: Mr. White!
(Ted grabs Walter and drags him back just as Styler lunges forward, only to be knocked flat by a sharp blow to the skull from the butt of the Terminator's shotgun. The skull caves in, her eyeballs exploding like shattered eggs)
Terminator: Look out.
(Walter Jr wobbles in, drool slipping through his pale lips)
Terminator: Theodore.
(Ted fumbles in his pocket, pulling out a shotgun shell, giving it to the Terminator)
(Terminator cooly reloads, firing once at Walter Jr, whose head erupts like a broken watermelon, the top of his head hitting the ceiling, stuck there for a few seconds before dropping down, splashing in a pool of scarlet)
Walter: What....have...what...have you....
(Walter gets up, grabbing Terminator by the leather vest, screaming)
Walter: DONE??!!!
Ted: Mr. White, calm down.
Walter: NO! (claws at Terminator's face, ripping off a portion of his cheek, revealing an metal interior.)
Ted: Told you so, dude.
Walter: W-wha...what are you?
Terminator: I am T-800 Cyberdyne systems model 101 in mission of protecting William, Theodore, Ludwig, and Socra-
Walter: Stop, just stop.
(Walter falls to the ground, crying)
Ted: Dude I get your family just, like, totally died but we gotta go before we become zombie munch.
Walt: Why should I live...
Ted: According to So-crates, everything happens for a reason...I think
Walter: N-no....
Ted: Don't say anything, dude, let's go back in the RV.
Walter: NO
Ted: Mr. Terminator dude?
(Terminator grabs Walter White by the collar, dragging him to the RV)
Walter: Just leave alone…(keeps talking to himself)
(Bill comes running in)
Bill: WE NEED TO GET GOING, DU-What the hell happened here?
Ted: Don't ask, dude....
Bill: Alright man, let's get going.
(Black screen)
(We see Terminator driving, Bill and Ted snoring loudly in the back, Socrates eating some chips in the seat next to Terminator, Beethoven on the floor examining his gun intensely, and Walter watching the streeet through the window, his fingers playing with a Better Call Saul lighter)
(Walter's eyes widen and he gets up and goes to the Terminator)
Walter: Stop here, please, I need to say goodbye to someone...
Terminator: Do it quick.
(Terminator stops the RV and Walter gets out, revealing a zombified Jesse Pinkman, poking out his car's windshield, the glass digging into his stomach, prohibiting him from crawling out. He snarls at the sight of Walter, fingers weakly clawing for him against the scorched hood of the car. Terminator reaches for his shotgun but Walter stops him)
Walter: I have to do this myself. (he grabs the handgun from Beethoven)
(Walter gets out, putting on his hat, walking over to Jesse)
Walter: I'm so sorry for screaming you earlier, Jesse, I'm sorry for everything that I did...you didn't deserve this.
(Jesse's walker glares at him, jaw tightening in obvious anger)
Walter: I need to be positive and think that I’m going to survive all this pain inside, Jesse, my family died, the robot put them out of their misery...*sighs*
(Walter looks at the street at sees walkers coming)
Walter: Just...forgive me
(Walter puts the gun in Jesse's forehead)
Walter: Bye, Jesse.
(Walter pulls the trigger)
(Black screen)
(We see Walter walking into the RV slamming the door shut. The RV starts going as fast as it can)
(We get a camera shot of an empty bag of chips lighting floating in the dry Albuquerque wind as the RV is seen as a speck in the distance. A walker's foot drops down on it as a horde is seen following slowly.)
(Black screen)
| The Walking Dead: ERB Edition | ||
| Season 1 | Judgement Day • Cancer Man • | |
| WW:ERB | Episode 1 • Episode 2 • Episode 3 • Episode 4 | |