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Mercer Frey vs Santa Claus

Where the actual fuck are all the Christmas battles what the fuck

None of the hints on the Strange vs Fate page hint to this, they hint to the next uh... regular battle I guess? This was something I just wanted to do since y'know Christmas.

Mercer Frey, former leader of the Thieves Guild, battles Santa Claus, commercial staple of Christmas. Connection is uh... breaking and entering, Mercer takes shit, Santa leaves shit. Ye.

So. Right to it.

Lyrics

ALANOMALY RAP BATTLES

Mercer Frey Tite Card

VS

Santa Claus Title Card AlanRB

BEGIN

Mercer Frey

Before we begin, I would like to make one thing evident:

As said by Karliah, crossing blades with me is a death sentence.

You're a soft, round, neck-bearded, pedophillic holiday staple,

With a compensating sack of gifts, and his own reindeer's nasal.

But don't take my criticism as disdain or detestation,

Successful breaking and entering every Christmas vacation,

But rather than taking valuables that could fund your foundation,

You leave them instead, and that allows me to fuel my temptation.

Santa Claus

T'was the 24th of Evening Star, when St. Nick went to Riften,

Honorhall Orphanage is where I was busy putting my gifts in,

When I heard a tapping, T'was it the ghost of Grelod the Kind?

No, just a thieving man filled up with jealousy deep inside.

You let greed corrupt you, and Vexed your sisters and brothers,

This is the time of year to begin giving to each other.

With your rotten luck, I wouldn't even give you charcoal,

But I'm sure you'll find a victim to rob of a sweet roll.

Mercer Frey

I'll let those comments slide, just remember I'm in charge here,

You're away from the world for most of the year, like a North Pole Arngeir.

You've been wasting your elf slave resources for centuries,

While I've strictly used them for my allies and adversaries.

It seems my blade will once again taste the blood of a fairy tale,

And then I'll be using my profits on ho-ho-hoes and gallons of ale.

Santa Claus

Falmer Eyes clearly aren't clairvoyant, there would be consequences,

Nocturnal would be sure you'd never be able to pay off all expenses.

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen,

On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, on Blitzen,

This fiction pixel is quicken to sicken with the money he's smitten,

And forbidden from being forgiven while sitting in Nocturnal's prison.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

Frey vs Claus Endslate AlanRB

ALANOMALY RAP BATTLES

Mercer Frey

Before we begin, I would like to make one thing evident:

(The first thing Mercer says to the Dragonborn after meeting them is "Before we continue, I want to make one thing perfectly clear." He paraphrases himself here at the start of the battle.)

As said by Karliah, crossing blades with me is a death sentence.

(During the quest, Speaking With Silence, Karliah, a former member of the Thieves Guild, says that crossing blades with Mercer would be a death sentence. Mercer quotes her on this, saying Santa is bringing himself a death sentence.)

You're a soft, round, neck-bearded, pedophillic holiday staple,

(Santa is known for being nice, fat, and having a long white beard. Mercer also calls him pedophillic, making a parallel between sexual attraction for minors, and Santa's affinity for bringing gifts to children.)

With a compensating sack of gifts, and his own reindeer's nasal.

(Mercer compares the size of Santa's gift sack to the size of his ball sack, saying the former is compensation for the latter. In A Visit From St. Nicholas, the narrator describes Santa's nose as "like a cherry." Mercer compares this to the nose of Rudolf, a popular reindeer known for having a glowing red nose.)

But don't take my criticism as disdain or detestation,

(Mercer says for Santa to not take the criticism of him as Mercer truly hating or disliking him, as he elaborates in the next line.)

Successful breaking and entering every Christmas vacation,

(Mercer calls Santa's visits to everyone on Christmas Eve breaking and entering.)

But rather than taking valuables that could fund your foundation,

(Mercer begins by saying that Santa, despite successfully breaking and entering into everyone's homes, does not take anyone's belongings. He also says that if Santa took items, it could help fund him and his workshop, similar to how taking items proves profitable for the Thieves Guild.)

You leave them instead, and that allows me to fuel my temptation.

(Ending his verse, Mercer says that Santa is actually helping him, as with every item with value left by Santa, it is more for Mercer and the guild to be able to take later on.)

Santa Claus

T'was the 24th of Evening Star, when St. Nick went to Riften,

(Santa makes a play on the first line of A Visit From St. Nicholas, which states "T'was the night before Christmas." Here, he mentions 24th of Evening Star. Evening Star is the twelfth month in the Tamriel Calendar, similar to December. The 24th of December is Christmas Eve, while the 24th of Evening Star celebrates Chil'a, a Redguard festival celebrating the new year. The Thieves Guild is located within Riften.)

Honorhall Orphanage is where I was busy putting my gifts in,

(Honorhall Orphanage is located in Riften, and is the only orphanage within Skyrim. Santa is saying he was working to bring gifts to the orphans.)

When I heard a clatter, t'was it the ghost of Grelod the Kind?

(Santa once again references a line from A Visit From St. Nicholas, saying he heard a clatter. Grelod the Kind was the original caretaker of the Honorhall Orphanage, until being killed by the Dragonborn.)

No, just a thieving man filled up with jealousy deep inside.

(Santa implies here that Mercer having killed Gallus was out of jealousy, whether it be for his success, position as the master thief, or his romantic life with Karliah.)

You let greed corrupt you, and Vexed your sisters and brothers,

(Mercer stole the Skeleton Key from the Daedra, Nocturnal, which caused the Thieves Guild to have a run of bad luck until it was returned. Santa makes a pun on "vex," which means to jinx something. Vex is also the name of one of the members of the Guild.)

This is the time of year to begin giving to each other.

(Christmas is associated with giving gifts to others. This goes against the way of the Thieves Guild, as they steal from others and only share profits amongst themselves.)

With your rotten luck, I wouldn't even give you charcoal,

(Santa once again takes a stab at Mercer's luck. It is said that those who are naughty will get coal rather than gifts. Santa says that Mercer wouldn't even get that.)

But I'm sure you'll find a victim to rob of a sweet roll.

(A notable line by guards in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is "Let me guess - someone stole your sweet roll." Santa says that, even if he doesn't bring anything for Christmas, Mercer will resort to stealing sweet rolls)

Mercer Frey

I'll let those comments slide, just remember I'm in charge here,

(If the Dragonborn questions the need for rules in the Guild, Mercer says he's going to let the comment slide due to the Dragonborn being new. He says that he's going to do the same to everything Santa said about him. He also claims to have more authority than Santa.)

You're away from the world for most of the year, like a North Pole Arngeir.

(For the majority of the year, Santa is up in the North Pole, rather than being with the rest of the world. Mercer Frey draws a parallel between this and Arngeir, a Greybeard who spends his time up at High Hrothgar, on top of the Throat of the World, the tallest mountain in Tamriel, being disconnected from the rest of world.)

You've been wasting your elf slave resources for centuries,

(Santa has been a tradition for centuries. Mercer says that using his time to please children with gifts has been a waste of his resources. Mercer also calls Santa's elf workers slaves.)

While I've strictly used them for my allies and adversaries.

(Mercer follows up his previous line by saying that he, as opposed to Santa, strictly uses his resources to help the Guild, the allies of the Guild, and to take down those who stand in his way.)

It seems my blade will once again taste the blood of a fairy tale,

(When challenged by the Dragonborn, Mercer mentions that his blade will once again taste Nightingale blood. Nightingales are considered fairy tales, thieves who work under Lady Nocturnal. Karliah, Brynjolf, and the Dragonborn are all Nightingales by the end of the Thieves Guild quest, while Mercer had betrayed them by then, and Gallus had been murdered by Mercer. Mercer says that he will murder Santa, and the blade will once again be covered by the blood of a fairy tale, as it was once covered by Gallus' blood, and it will be covered by Santa's blood, who is considered a fairy tale.)

And then I'll be using my profits on ho-ho-hoes and gallons of ale.

(Following up from his previous line, Mercer says that he'll use the profits he gains from eliminating Santa for his own gain. He makes a pun on Santa's signature catch phrase, "Ho, ho, ho!", saying he'll use the money to get prostitutes, as well as ale.)

Santa Claus

Falmer Eyes clearly aren't clairvoyant, there would be consequences,

(Mercer's final heist before deserting the Guild was planned to be stealing the Falmer Eyes to make a quick profit. Santa says that these eyes aren't able to see the consequences that would come of Mercer's actions.)

Nocturnal would be sure you'd never be able to pay off all expenses.

(Mercer, being a Nightingale at the time of stealing the Skeleton Key, would be heavily punished by Nocturnal, and thus wouldn't be able to pay for everything he would wish to own after selling the Falmer Eyes.)

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen,

(Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen are four of Santa's nine reindeer, and are the first four called out when saying their names.)

On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen,

(Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen are the next four in Santa's reindeer.)

This fiction pixel is quicken to sicken with the money he's smitten,

(Santa references the fact that Mercer is a fictional video game character, and thus made of pixels. Santa also says he is quickly sickened by Mercer's greed for money.)

And forbidden from being forgiven while sitting in Nocturnal's prison.

(Following up the mentioning of consequences from Nocturnal, Santa says that Mercer is to never be forgiven of his actions, and will be tormented by Nocturnal.)

Poll

Who Won?
 
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The poll was created at 06:52 on December 5, 2016, and so far 11 people voted.
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