The Eastern Philosophers
The Eastern Philosophers In Battle
KRNFX (Lao Tzu), Timothy DeLaGhetto (Sun Tzu), and MC Jin (Confucius) as the Eastern Philosophers
Character information
Birth name Li Er (李耳)
Sun Wu (孫武)
Kong Qiu (孔丘)
Nickname(s) Chinese Philosophers
Born Lao Tzu:
571 BCE
Henan, China
Sun Tzu:
545-544 BCE
September 28, 551 BC
State of Lu, Zou
Died Lao Tzu:
531 BCE (aged 40)
Sun Tzu:
496 or 470 BCE (aged 48 or 75)
March 9, 479 BC (aged 73)
State of Lu
Physical description
Hair White (Lao Tzu)
Black (Sun Tzu)
Gray (Confucius)
Eyes Brown (all)
Based on
The Eastern Philosophers Based On
Rap battle information
Appeared in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Vs The Western Philosophers
Their teammates (last verse)
Release date July 6, 2015
Votes on website 62%
Location(s) Ancient China
Western Landmarks (Sun Tzu only)
We filled a nation with patience and the presence for living!
— The Eastern Philosophers

The Eastern Philosophers battled the Western Philosophers in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. They also turned against each other later in the same battle. They are a team consisting of Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu, and Confucius; they were portrayed by KRNFX, Timothy DeLaGhetto, and MC Jin, respectively.

Information on the rappers

Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu, and Confucius were philosophers from Ancient China, varying in many different occupations; Lao Tzu was a poet who specialized in teaching Taoism, his set of religious beliefs, while Sun Tzu was a military general and strategist, and Confucius was a teacher, editor, and politician. They were all born in the 6th century BCE.

Each of their works have been passed down for generations, such as Lao Tzu's guide to the way of life, the Tao Te Ching (道德經), Sun Tzu's book on military strategy, The Art of War (孫子兵法), and Confucius' anthology of brief sayings and ideas, The Analects (論語), which is traditionally believed to have been written by his students.


[Note: Confucius is in gray, Lao Tzu is in yellow, and Sun Tzu is in red.]

Verse 1:

This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life.

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic,

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration!

Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations!

We filled a nation with patience and the presence for living,

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written!

Verse 2:

Bitch, I wrote The Art of War, so you better get your guns out!

These white boys getting burned 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!

Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!

Laozi, kick the beat; now Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

French drip with the egg noodle hair.

Your ego's just so distracting.

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!

And you killed God, so I gotta ask:

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche,

But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you: you're the father, Socrates!

Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

Verse 3:

I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

(Ugh!) Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today.

I'll make you move, bitch. Get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place.

Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies!

Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!

Scrapped lyrics

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we’ve given!

Hey man, I'm Lao Tzu. You ain't gotta talk like that to me.

I'll fuck you up like the Tao Te Ching, G.

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

Nietzsche, you're the one who killed God, so I gotta ask:

Do you think he died of embarrassment after he made your fucking mustache?

Tried to plant seeds of a new German psyche,

But you grew a bunch of racists, bro; me no Third Reichy!

Call yourself a (???) your followers stem right from the source.

Confucius say never trust a dude who Crazy Horse.

All your self-righteous Western philosophy is gotten masses

Of world full of debaucheries being teens in fucking swastikas!

I have turned them on ourselves. This chaos is our opportunity!

Bro, enough with the riddles; I don't mean no disrespect!

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some fucking chickens?

Confucius, if you always wanna try to put something in its place,

Oh! You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack your warmongering ass out of your to-go box hat!

You couldn't measure my style with a Golden Ruler!

If you fucked with Confucius, you get fucked with unto ya!

In the midst of this chaos lies our opportunity!

But remember a bowl is useful when empty.


  • The Eastern Philosophers are the second titled team to not rap simultaneously, after Romeo & Juliet.
  • MC Jin, KRNFX, and Timothy DeLaGhetto helped with the writing of their battle.
  • They are the sixth, seventh and eighth characters to say something during the "Who Won? Who's Next? You Decide" sequence.


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