(Santa jabs at Moses resembling Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars since he wears robes in the same manner as him. He also sarcastically comments on Moses' robes being worn well. Moses' skin was dark from leading the Israelites in the hot desert for years with robes on, so Santa says he's been one too many days in the sun, replacing "one" with "Wan", as in Obi-Wan.)
Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun!
(A play on one of the ten Commandments, "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor." Santa says Moses is too uptight trying to administer God's law and that he should teach the Jews to chill out and want some fun instead so they'll be happier for it.)
I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer!
(Santa brings presents for kids once a year, and represents most kids' favorite holiday, Christmas.)
You represent sandals and a scraggly beard!
(Moses appears to symbolize the look of a homeless man according to Santa.)
I'm from the North Pole. That's why my rhymes are so cold!
(Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. The North Pole is a frosty, cold area, a reason for Santa's "cold" rhymes. A cold phrase generally refers to a phrase or rhyme that is cruel.)
I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal!
(Santa brings coal for naughty kids, implying that Moses is naughty. One of the legends around Santa says that he has the ability to make snow by spitting diamonds, the hardest substance on earth, so he also means that his raps hit hard. Another meaning to this is that coal, when under intense pressure, can turn into diamonds.)
You've been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs.
(He backs up his claim of Moses being naughty, meaning he won't be getting any gifts this year. The second of ten plagues brought upon Egypt by God through Moses was millions of frogs emerging from the Nile.)
You'd best arrest yourself; you broke your own law!
(Moses literally broke the first tablets with the Ten Commandments written on it when he was enraged by the sight of the Children of Israel worshipping a Golden Calf (this act of worshipping other gods was also forbidden with accordance to the Ten Commandments). Because of this, Santa claims he had best turn himself in, as longsuffering was salvation according the bible. Moses was also said to be broken a commandment, which was mentioned in the next line.)
Or was there something in rule six I didn't understand?
(A shot at the Sixth Commandment, "Thou shalt not kill." According to the Bible, Moses killed an Egyptian to protect a Hebrew. Also, because the waters of the Red Sea smothered the Egyptians after the Jews crossed it, Moses could be found to have killed them.)
My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand."
(Santa Claus keeps a "nice" and "naughty" list to keep track of who's been good and bad, as well as showing what bad things they have done. According to the naughty list and history, Moses became the Prince of Egypt back when he was at his teenage years. Seeing an Egyptian abusing and insulting a Jewish slave, Moses killed the Egyptian and fled away from Egypt.)
I read your book. You got a strict religion.
(Santa read about Moses's religion, Judaism, and he finds it very strict.)
No bacon? But mandatory circumcision?
(Jews are forbidden by Scripture to eat any part of a cloven-hoofed animal that does not chew its cud (i.e. "ruminate") or any animal that is not cloven-hoofed but which chews cud, such as pork or, in this case, bacon. Men of faith are also required to have the foreskin of the penis trimmed, preferably at birth. Santa is stunned that these are even rules to follow.)
I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents,
(In the story "The Night Before Christmas", Santa is described as a jolly old elf with his tummy jiggling like jelly when he laughs, bringing gifts during the holidays to the good boys and girls. The auto-caption here displays "jolly bowl a jelly", which makes zero sense except as a recognition error.)
But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!
(A pot-shot at the Jews, the "chosen people" who, coincidentally, observe Hanukkah, often prior to Christmas. Santa says here that because Christmas is more popular and brings more gifts, Jews get envious.)
When I was high up on the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth,
(According to the Jewish religion, God revealed the Ten Commandments to Moses while he was on Mount Sinai. It could also refer to Moses being high on drugs, as he was seen smoking in this part of his verse. This is a reference to his actor, Snoop Dogg, being known for smoking weed often.)
But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf.
(Moses was never told about Santa (mostly because he was from the 1200's BC, long before the story of Santa Claus was thought of). Santa is very fat and sort of looks like Papa Smurf, as they both have white beards and wear red clothing. There was also a Smurfs Christmas Special in which Papa Smurf was mistaken for Santa Claus.)
It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass.
(Santa uses nine reindeer to pull his flying sleigh; Moses says that this is because of his weight.)
You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass.
(Christmas, or "Christ's mass", was developed to celebrate the birth of Jesus in contrast to Roman pagan festivals, according to one of several theories on its origin. With the creation of the modern-day Santa in the 20th century AD, however, the celebration became one based on marketing and buying gifts for children; thus, the true purpose of the holiday is often said to have been lost. Here, Moses may once again be jabbing at Santa's weight, but he's likely criticizing aspects of the Christmas holiday by calling them "more mass".)
You need to stop breakin' into houses and creepin' and peepin'.
(Santa enters kids' houses to give them gifts, and he watches kids when they sleep, sort of like a pedophile.)
On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my stocking.
(Santa knows if you've been "bad or good", and Moses possibly refers to "naughty" kids, meaning there's a sexual connotation to them, and Santa watches these kids in their sleep. He also wants Santa to keep away from his stocking, which is used to put presents in. "Stocking" could also be seen here as a phallic euphemism.)
Don't you "Ho Ho" me.
(Santa's catchphrase is "Ho Ho Ho".)
I'll split your ass in half, like I did the Red Sea.
(One well-known part of Moses' story was that God told him to raise his staff when the Egyptians were near, and the Red Sea split, allowing the Hebrews to escape. This even shows up on his background in the rap.)
You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow.
(Egyptian rulers, or Pharaohs, kept others as slaves. Moses is comparing Santa to the Pharaohs with his elves, and due to this, Santa is not a Saint, which comes from "St. Nicholas".)
Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go.
(Santa never pays the elves to our knowledge, which makes it seem like unpaid labor. The phrase "Let my people go" is in the Bible, although it is usually attributed to God, who instructs Moses to tell the Pharaoh, "Thus sayeth the Lord, 'Let my people go, that they may serve me.'" The phrase "little people" used here has two meanings: one refers to the ordinary people in a country or organization who do not have much power; the other refers to people of uncommonly short height, like dwarves or elves. Moses says to let the little people, in this case, Santa's elves, be freed.)
(The elves are fighting against Moses's previous lines about them being slaves, denying they're actually being used for free labor.)
All that sand turned your brains to mush!
(Sand, common terrain in Egypt, is abrasive and might turn things into Jell-O-like mush. The Elves think all that time in the desert has sarped Moses' mind.)
I think you need to stop smokin' all that burnin' bush.
(A critical part of Moses' story is that Moses saw a bush that was burning, but wasn't consumed. Curious, Moses walked over, and God spoke to him, commanding to go back to Egypt. Burning bush, in this case, is referring to drugs, like weed, which is "taken" by smoking it, and Santa says it may be making Moses go crazy. This could also be a reference to Dr. Dre's song "The Next Episode", featuring Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg, in which the famous "Smoke weed everyday" is the last line of the song, said by Snoop.)
Yeah, we're magical workers, man!
(They're Santa's helpers, but they're magic.)
We hang with reindeers.
(One of the elves' duties is to take care of Santa's reindeer.)
Yo, here's a GPS!
(As a present, an elf holds up a GPS for Moses, saying he could use it to find the Promised Land. This line is also a possible reference to the fact that Snoop Dogg, who plays Moses, lent his voice to a Tom Tom GPS system in 2009.)
Who gets lost for forty years?!
(This line is inaccurate as in the "Bible", God punished the Hebrews for listening to negative speeches from scouts who were in Israel. The punishment was to wander for 40 years. This is most likely intentional ignorance used to insult Moses, misinterpreting "wander" as "lost".)
You're a glorified secretary, so write this down!
(Moses wrote down the Ten Commandments for the Hebrews, which would make him a "glorified secretary". Santa tells Moses to write down what the elves and he say.)
Begat deez nutz!
("To beget" means "to bring or bear", as in to bear a child. The past tense, "begat", is used frequently in the Bible. Many verses in Genesis document a family history in the form "…and X begat Y, and Y begat Z…" It also references the Dr. Dre song "Deeez Nuuuts" on "The Chronic" album, which Snoop Dogg contributed a part to. Here, the elf tells Moses to suck Santa's balls.)
Santa Claus is coming to town!
("Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is a popular Christmas carol, and here, Santa says he's making his entrance to beat Moses.)
So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.
(Much turmoil befell the Jews before the time of Christ. The Torah and the Old Testament of the Bible document much of this "drama". The way Moses stars this out is the same way Snoop started out his song, "Gin and Juice". He says, "With so much drama in the L-B-C," L-B-C referring to Long Beach, California. Here, he uses it to refer to Israel in the B.C. age, a.k.a. before Christ.)
It's kinda hard talking directly to the G-O-single-D.
(The next line is also from "Gin and Juice", in which Snoop says, "It's kinda hard being Snoop D-O-double-G." In this line, he talks about the drama making it difficult to communicate with God.)
Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all.
(Moses wrote down the Ten Commandments on stone plaques with a chisel, and now he wants to write an eleventh. Snoop, playing Moses, tweaked "commandment" with his trademark "-izzle" suffix to keep rhyme with "chisel")
'Thou shalt not let children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall.'
(Moses is referring to mall Santas, and how kids sit on their laps all day. This would imply that Santa is once again a pedophile. He says this rule in the same way the other Commandments are written, starting with "Thou shalt not".)
I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy,
(Moses says he'll beat Santa ten times in rhyme before bread leavens, or rises with yeast. During Passover, Jews must eat matzo – a bread that is unleavened and which therefore has no yeast.)
And walk off into the land of my milk and honeys.
(He's off to the Promised Land of Canaan, which flows with milk, honey, and apparently, drop-dead gorgeous women, or honeys, as he calls them. The phrase "milk and honey" is also said in the Book of Exodus during Moses' vision of the burning bush. The auto-caption here misspells "honeys" as "honies", but no meaning is changed by the error.)
I crossed deserts and scaled mountains with my staff
(Moses brags about his treks from Egypt to the Promised Land, in which he carried his famous staff and climbed up Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments.)
How else do you think I got these two golden calves?
(While Moses was gone receiving the Ten Commandments, the Israelites created a calf made of all their golden jewelry in fear of Moses's absence. The golden calf became a symbol of worship. Moses explains that his journey across deserts and up mountains gave him well-toned calf muscles, or "golden calves.")
This mofo ain't got mojo like Moses
("Mofo" is slang for "motherfucker." Mojo is originally a magic charm, talisman, or spell, but has since come to mean appeal or talent. Moses says that Santa Claus is not as talented as him nor as magical as him.)
Mo' money is yo' motivation and you know this
(Christmas, and especially Santa Claus, has been criticized for being too centered on merchandising and selling products. Moses berates Santa for wittingly being a symbol of such.)
I'm the prophet's prophet fo' sho' yo
(A prophet is an inspired teacher or proclaimer of God's will. Moses calls himself the "prophet's prophet," as he was told by God that the prophet Jesus would arrive, being the prophet of the prophet. Moses uses the slang term "fo' sho' yo," meaning "for sure, yo" to punctuate his line and create a triple rhyme for the next.)
You're a prostitute for profit so ho ho ho
(Moses calls Santa a "prostitute for profit" due to his late-night work schedule, his aforementioned merchandising, and his laugh pattern, stylized as "ho ho ho." A "ho" is a slang term for a prostitute.)
You're a UPS man who doesn't get paid
(Moses compares Santa to a UPS man, i. e. a delivery man working for United Parcel Service, due to his shipping of packages. The difference is a lack of direct payment, as Santa is never depicted receiving direct monetary gain for his work.)
Watch out Santa cuz you're about to get sleighed
(Moses warns Santa that he'll "sleigh" him, a pun on Santa's main form of transportation – a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer – and the word "slay", meaning to kill someone in a violent way.)
You hang with elves and deer whose noses glow
(Santa is typically depicted as working with elves, who help make the presents for the children, and reindeer, who fly his sleigh. One key reindeer is Rudolph, who has an unusual glowing red nose that helps navigation in clouds and fog.)
When I'm finished with my crew you'll be screaming, let my little people go
(This lyric is what developed into the lyric, "Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go." Moses compares the Israelites he led to the Promised Land to Santa's elves, saying that his "crew" of the Israelites would defeat the elves, leaving Santa to plead for Moses to let the elves go.)
I'm a prophet you're a fat saint named Nick
(Moses claims himself as better than Santa Claus, saying that while he's a prophet, Santa is just a fat saint with a simple name.)
I took my folks and led them out of Egyptian evil
(Moses helped the Jews escape the Egyptian pharaoh that had them enslaved.)
I'm talking Exodus, movement for Jew(ish?) people
(Exodus is the book in the Bible that follows Moses's travels in leading the Jews to the Promised Land, and is used to describe the mass departure of the Jewish people.)
I'm a prophet who stayed on a mountain for 40 nights before I came off it
(Moses traveled up Mount Sinai for forty days and forty nights, in which he received the Ten Commandments.)
You're a puppet for profit hungry rich motherfuckers stuffing their pockets
(Moses makes another jab at Santa Claus being a centerpiece of capitalism greed.)
Lay off the sweets fat man, you're hella chubby
(Moses tells Santa that he eats too many sweets, resulting in his weight.)
They should call your hood the land of way too much milk and honey
(This lyric is what developed into the lyric, "And walk off into the land of my milk and honeys." A "hood" is slang for neighborhood. Moses says that because Santa eats too much and has become too fat, his "hood," the North Pole, should be called the "land of too much milk and honey.")
Stay away from my chimney with your candy canes and peppermints
(Santa Claus enters homes through the chimney and leaves behind candy canes, a peppermint candy, along with presents. Moses wants Santa to not do that, for a reason that'll be explained in the following line.)
Where I'm from that's called breaking and entering
(Moses doesn't want Santa to come down his chimney because it is akin to a burglar breaking and entering into his house.)
I'll sick my snake cane on you
(In Exodus 7:9 and Exodus 7:10, Moses is told to throw his staff down in front of the pharaoh and it would turn into a serpent, of which he does successfully. Moses says he'll send out this snake again to have him attack Santa.)
Without me there'd be no you
(Christianity is a religion that was created by in worship of Jewish prophet Jesus Christ. If Moses had not laid the groundwork of Jewish religion and further on in time, Christianity, Santa would have never come to exist.)
You sleigh me? It took you forty years to make your people happy
Santa rebuts the line about Moses "sleighing" him, insisting that he can't do a simple task of making people happy over the course of forty years. Exodus lasted forty years.)
Christmas is the promised land so get the fuck out
Santa claims that the Promised Land has become Christmas and the religion it stands for, telling Moses to leave.)
Have fun with Chanukah
(Chanukah is a Jewish holiday occurring around Christmastime. Santa mocks Moses, saying that he'll never have Christmas, so he'll have to deal with the lesser holiday.)
I'll deck your balls
(To deck means to decorate something or knock someone to the ground with a punch. Santa says he'll punch Moses in the genitals. This is a reference to the popular Christmas song Deck the Halls.)