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Season 5
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J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. Epic Rap Battles of History02:49

J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. Epic Rap Battles of History. Season 5

J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin
J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin
Battle information
Release date May 2, 2016
Number 59
Views 22,000,000+ (as of July 10)
Length 2:49
Timeline
Previous Deadpool vs Boba Fett (Bonus battle)
Next Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child
Other information
Actors Nice Peter
EpicLLOYD
Ceciley Jenkins
Ricky Mammone
Rudy Fermin
Joey Greer
Sulai Lopez
Shaun Lewin
Dante Cimadamore
Rappers George R. R. Martin In BattleJ. R. R. Tolkien In Battle
Cameo(s) The Eye of Sauron
Mikey Walsh
Daenerys Targaryen
Hodor
Jon Snow
A human warrior
An Orc
High Elves
Jimmy Page
John Paul Jones
John Bonham
Location(s) The Great Hall
The Black Gate of Mordor
The Somme

J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin is the fifty-ninth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the first episode of Season 5. It features A Song of Ice and Fire author, George R. R. Martin, rapping against The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit author, J. R. R. Tolkien. It was released May 2nd, 2016.

Cast

Rappers

Nice Peter as J. R. R. Tolkien

EpicLLOYD as George R. R. Martin

Cameos

EpicLLOYD as Mikey Walsh

Ceciley Jenkins as Daenerys Targaryen

Ricky Mammone as Hodor

Rudy Fermin as Jon Snow

Joey Greer as a human warrior and an Orc

Sulai Lopez and Shaun Lewin as High Elves

Dante Cimadamore as Led Zeppelin

The Eye of Sauron (animation)

Lyrics

[Note: George R. R. Martin is in light blue, J. R. R. Tolkien is in brown, and Jon Snow is in dark gray.]

George R. R. Martin:

Brace yourself!

Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves,

And your Ents and your Orcs, and your Wargs and your Stings,

Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!

My readers fall in love with every character I've written!

Then I kill 'em! (Ahhh!) And they're like, "No, he didn't!"

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive!

We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!

Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies!

(Yeah!) Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies!

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!

Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!

J. R. R. Tolkien:

Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves,

Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!

You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!

In book sales, you've got nothing to say!

I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!

I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!

You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."!

(Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy,

So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly,

But news flash: the genre's called fantasy!

It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!

George R. R. Martin:

I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats.

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast!

You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants!

We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!

J. R. R. Tolkien:

I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme!

You LARPed your Santa Claus-ass through Vietnam!

And it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes

From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes!

George R. R. Martin:

Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!

My show's the hottest thing on HBO!

I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish,

And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog!

Even the names of your characters suck:

You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks!

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks!

Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts!

J. R. R. Tolkien:

C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing

How you and Jon Snow…both know nothing!

Because the backstory of my box office is billions!

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions!

And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!

Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!

You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering!

(Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!

Scrapped lyrics

George R. R. Martin:

I was pushing boundaries and taking chances!

You were daydreaming, squatting in the trenches!

You should've made like Hodor: obeyed your orders!

Spend less time on Mordor and more on the mortars!


Bilbo's a dildo; my imp's a pimp!


You're a bigger wooden stiff than Gandalf's staff!

You gave us abstinence and Gary Gygax!


Fantasy movies need violence and boobies,

Not folk songs and washed-up kids from The Goonies!

J. R. R. Tolkien:

You're the biggest ripoff I've seen!

You stole my plot lines, monsters, and even Sean Bean!

Poll

Who Won?
 
5241
 
792
 

The poll was created at 12:30 on May 1, 2016, and so far 6033 people voted.

Trivia

General

Production

  • The cover art for this battle is the first one to have the rappers in front of the "VS", instead of behind it.

References

  • During J. R. R. Tolkien's title card, the version of him closest to the camera is invisible for half of the sequence. Upon his sudden appearance, he can be seen taking a ring off his finger. This is a reference to the One Ring, the central plot element of The Lord of the Rings series, which has the power to endow the wearer with invisibility.

Errors

  • Jon Snow can be seen on his back in the background during the line, "Your bad guys die and your good guys survive!", but disappears during the line, "Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!", before reappearing during the line, "Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!"
  • Ceciley Jenkins' name is misspelled in the credits of the Behind the Scenes video as "Cecily Jenkins".
  • Multiple candle flames are seen bugging out in the Great Hall. Most noticeable during the line, "We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!", the left candle is unaffected, while both the middle and right flames have a rendering bug.

Related videos

Epic Rap Battles of History

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