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Confucius
Confucius Title Card
MC Jin as Confucius
Character information
Birth name Kong Qiu (孔丘)
Nickname(s) Confucius (孔夫子)
Kung-Fu Tzu
Zhongni (仲尼)
Kongzi (孔子)
The Master
Great Sage
Model Teacher for Ten Thousand Ages
Born September 28, 551 BC
Zou, Lu state
Died March 9, 479 BC (aged 71)
Lu State
Physical description
Hair Gray
Eyes Brown
Based on
Confucius Based On
Rap battle information
Appeared in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Vs The Western Philosophers
Lao Tzu
Sun Tzu
Release date July 6, 2015
Votes on website 62%
Location(s) Ancient China
Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!
— Confucius

Confucius, alongside Lao Tzu and Sun Tzu, battled the Western Philosophers as a part of the Eastern Philosophers in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. He also turned against Lao Tzu and Sun Tzu later on in the same battle. He was portrayed by MC Jin.

Information on the rapper

Confucius was a Chinese teacher, editor, politician, and philosopher of the Spring and Autumn period of Chinese history. The philosophy of Confucius emphasized personal and governmental morality, correctness of social relationships, justice and sincerity. His followers competed successfully with many other schools during the Hundred Schools of Thought era only to be suppressed in favor of the Legalists during the Qin Dynasty. Following the victory of Han over Chu after the collapse of Qin, Confucius' thoughts received official sanction and were further developed into a system of beliefs known as Confucianism or Ruism.

Lyrics

[Note: Confucius is in gray, while Sun Tzu and Lao Tzu are in regular text.]

Verse 1:

This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life.

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic,

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration!

Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations!

We filled a nation with patience and the presence for living,

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written!

Verse 2:

Bitch, I wrote The Art of War, so you better get your guns out!

These white boys getting burned 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!

Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!

Laozi, kick the beat; now Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

French drip with the egg noodle hair.

Your ego's just so distracting.

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!

And you killed God, so I gotta ask:

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche,

But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you: you're the father, Socrates!

Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

Verse 3:

I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

(Ugh!) Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today.

I'll make you move, bitch. Get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place.

Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies!

Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!

Scrapped lyrics

[Note: Confucius is in gray, while Sun Tzu and Lao Tzu are in regular text, all three philosophers rapping together is in italics.]

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've given!


Hey man, I'm Lao Tzu. You ain't gotta talk like that to me.

I'll fuck you up like the Tao Te Ching, G.

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

Nietzsche, you're the one who killed God, so I gotta ask:

Do you think he died of embarassment after he made your fucking mustache?

Tried to plant seeds of a new German psyche,

But you grew a bunch of racists, bro; me no Third Reichy!

Call yourself a (???) your followers stem right from the source.

Confucius say never trust a dude who Crazy Horse.

All your self-righteous Western philosophy has gotten us is

A world full of debauchery, guillotines and fucking swastikas!


That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some fucking chickens?

Confucius, if you always wanna try to put something in its place,


Oh! You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack your warmongering ass out of your to-go box hat!

You couldn't measure my style with a Golden Ruler!

If you fucked with Confucius, you get fucked with unto ya!

Trivia

  • In August 2014, Nice Peter said on chat that "Confucius vs Socrates was going to happen, but there wasn't that much material to work with."
  • During some points in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers, MC Jin's tattoo was clearly visible on Confucius' neck, possibly being left uncovered to fit the theme of the battle.
  • Confucius has a ponytail throughout the battle, which is incorrect, as only the Chinese in the Qing Dynasty would have them, while Confucius was from the Zhou Dynasty.

Gallery

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